How to breakup with a friend?

Has your friendship with someone become so dramatic, unhealthy, or troublesome that it needs to end for the sake of your sanity? Is the only reason why you’re still friends with this person because you don’t want to hurt their feelings or incur their wrath if you “desert” them? Breaking up is hard to do, even when it comes to ‘breaking up’ with a friend. Here’s a good way to approach the situation.

Steps:

1) Make a list of all the reasons you think you and this friend should not be friends anymore. Some common reasons are:

- No more shared interests
- Your friend takes advantage of your good nature: is possessive, bullies, manipulates or makes you feel guilty
- A violation of trust
- One friend gets into habits that you don’t agree with
- Your friend is only concerned with themselves and never pauses to think about anyone else.
- s/he leans on you, but can’t take the time to help you with your problems
- Your ‘friend’ says belittling/insulting things to or about you.

2) Decide to what extent you want to ‘break up.’ Do you want to bump it down from ‘best friends’ to ‘close friends’ or even to ‘acquaintances?’ Do you want to stop hanging out, or even talking, altogether?

3) Start spending less time with your friend, whether it’s by cutting your conversations a little shorter, or by making yourself less available to hang out.

4) Don’t initiate phone calls; if the person calls you, be polite and keep it brief. Don’t agree to plans or make promises.

5) Talk to him/her about how you feel. It’s likely that s/he won’t take it well, but hopefully has realized that things aren’t working out and isn’t all that surprised.

6) Keep your cool. The other person may get angry at you for suddenly being so cold, or may even confront you. If it’s true and you feel comfortable with it, try saying, “I’ve just been really busy lately, I’m sorry.” and then explain that you may have less time for him or her. Use this opportunity to mention that jealousy and possessiveness in a friend are a turnoff to you. If you’re breaking things off due to an attitude problem try something to the effect of “Well I really loved those times when we _____, but I sometimes feel a little suffocated. How about we try spending a little less time together for now and see where we’re at in a month?”

7) Read the situation critically. If s/he gets angry about your reasons, simply cut the lines of communication. If your most sincere efforts to guard his or her feelings are rewarded with hostility, then it only validates your sense that the friendship is not working for you any longer.

Tips:

• Remember that all relationships are volunteer situations. You are not required to continue any relationship that does not interest or please you. That doesn’t give you license to go out using people for your own gain and then dropping them, but it does give you permission to end a relationship that doesn’t seem to be a give and take situation that is beneficial to both of you.

• If the friend is a bullying, manipulating kind, it may be best to be very firm (even though it feels harsh), even in public. The worst bullies are the ones that have the thinnest skins. If, and only if, all your gentle hints are met with more bullying and attempts at control, harshness is a valid way of dealing with the issue. The key here is to have absolutely no animosity or anger, and to only use harshness as a tool to get intended results when milder approaches don’t work. Showing anger or being carried away by emotions will lead to remorse later on and put you on the defensive when confronting the ‘friend’ again. You are trying to get the negativity out of your life. The person perpetrating it is just using your own insecurities against you. Not reacting to provocation, either with anger or with a feeling of disappointment, is the best way to avoid mind control.

• Try not to start fights; it will make you look immature and sneaky. Nobody likes being dumped, even if it’s by a friend and not a crush. Your former friend may find a way to call you on it and then exaggerate the offense to others to help bolster his or her image to onlookers.

• Once you begin the process of breaking things off, make sure you explain the situation carefully to mutual friends without being a gossip. Just state that you think you and your friend have reached a parting of the ways due to some important differences. Explain that it’s a personal choice on your part and doesn’t mean that you think everyone else should bail on that person. Tell them that you are not looking for their support, and that you are simply explaining it to them so there’s no misunderstanding - you don’t expect to split into Your Side and His/Her Side. Be sure to express that you would like to keep this as contained as possible, and do not discuss details of your decision with anyone other than the person you were breaking off with. In this way, your friends will identify your decision and demeanor as mature, and if your ex-friend attempts to turn others against you out of bitterness, s/he will be identified as immature. Hopefully it will not affect your other friendships, but you should be prepared for the fact that it may.

• Keep your cool at all times.

• Burn your bridges ‘carefully’. Once done, it is very hard to undo, so be certain you want to end things, rather than just allowing the friendship to drift naturally into a lower-key mode.

• Make the break as quick and quiet as possible, with as little drama as you can manage.

• If the person offers to be friends again, you can accept his/her offer but don’t expect the friendship to change overnight. Hope for the best but expect nothing. Make sure your former friend understands how s/he hurt you, etc. Assess whether you want to be friends again (A) because you think your life is better with him/her in it, or (B) whether you’re just afraid of being alone and friendless. Sometimes it really is best to know when to just let it go.

• If your ex-friend asks you to try being friends again, and you wish to, make sure it is with the understanding that you will take it slow, and you reserve the right to withdraw if you don’t notice a change.

• At first you may miss your friend, but stand by your decision and move on. Don’t dwell on the past or what went wrong or everything that happened. If people ask just tell them they can decide for themselves and, while you wish things had gone differently, you’re happier now

• Remember that in the end it’s for the best and not being around this person makes you a better person. You may also go through phases of being OK with it and being angry about it. Eventually you’ll get over it and move on with your life. Besides, what’s the point of wasting time caring if they don’t?

Warnings:

• Don’t lose focus if the other person starts crying. You can be sympathetic during that conversation, but don’t let someone manipulate you with tears.
• Do not emphasize all the good times you had with said friend before terminating the friendship, or else s/he’ll assume that you are trying to be friends again instead of saying goodbye.
• Make sure this is something you really want.
• Let no one control you, decide for yourself and let no one bring you down.
• If that friend is mutual friends with other friends, just make sure you continue to spend time with them. Sometimes people hog friends in fear of losing them like they lost you.
• Just because you might feel guilty, doesn’t mean you should take them back! You’re not doing a bad thing, you’re just doing whats best for you.